My heart starts beating faster until it feels irregular. My eyes well up and my core tenses tighter, tighter. I know whats happening as this familiar feeling happens everyday. I am bound to this green bed made of soft. I sink further, further, tighter, tighter. Wetness drips out of my greens and I try to hide so no one has to look at me. I curl so no one has to see my mass. I dissapear so I can only hope people will forget me. I open my eyes on the bed of green. Still here. I breathe in. Still here.
I used to blame other people for the problems and troubles I had. I have…or that “they” caused me. It seems like the reason that caused these problems happened in another life, centuries ago that happened to some girl I heard about in the Mental News, and for some reason shes affecting me. But in fact it wasn’t centuries, only years and it happened to me. I have changed so much as a human being and yet have managed to carry progressively developing stronger more fatal panic attacks then I’ve ever experienced before, anger and sadness unlike any other for reasons I thought I’d become so detached from. I’m starting to think I’m not cut out for it here. Here meaning this place, your house, America, Canada, Europe, I want to walk, leaving my posessions and my money grab my loved ones hand and never look back. We’d find a place, on a map, in a country that’s name is of no relevance to me and live until we die, stress free.